♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again
♪ When darkness finds you you'll be free ♪
♪ Follow the lights and you will see ♪
♪ The instantaneous eternity
♪ The instantaneous eternity ♪
Life is a journey and as we move along the path,
we move closer to the light that awaits us.
But I say, "Why wait? Why not launch yourself
into that instantaneous eternity right now?"
It's, like, let's say you love peppermint ice cream.
And they say, "Well, you can have peppermint ice cream,
but only if you wait like 75 or 80 years." Hm.
But then you look and there's that whole tub of,
pile of peppermint ice cream, the hog-and-dance stuff,
the expensive stuff, right there in the freezer.
What are you gonna do? You're just gonna look at it?
No. You're gonna eat it, right?
And that's what death is.
It's eating that peppermint ice cream on your terms.
♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again ♪
♪ When darkness finds you you'll be free ♪
♪ Follow the lights and you will see ♪
♪ The instantaneous eternity
♪ Oh ooh ooh
♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
I say to you, ignore the teachings of the sacred Storsh
at your peril!
My child, you need to be saved.
The sacred Storsh can give you bliss,
joy and blessings to you...
-Can you put s-some music on? -Change your story.
-I, I like... -Change your story!
I like whatever you like.
You must change your story!
-Hey! -Oh, my God! Hi, smiley!
-Hey, smiley. -Hi! Mwah.
Look, look.
Look what I did. It's us.
Oh, you made your own toy surprise.
Yeah, well, there wasn't one in the box.
Cute. Okay, that's great. Well...
Hey, how was your first day?
Oh, it was, it was really good, actually.
Yeah, I think everything's gonna be really fun,
everyone seems nice and, um, they...
It seems like it's gonna be really creative.
You will never guess what campaign I'm doing.
Oh, I'm not good at guessing, Claire.
No, you can do it. Okay, okay.
One, two, three.
I don't know.
-I-it's Rainbow Oats. - No way!
-I love this bird! -I know! I know!
I actually said it's my boyfriend's favorite cereal.
That's so great! Rainbow Oats?
I know, I know. Well, how was your day?
Oh, God, I had the best day.
-Yeah? -I had such a great day.
Well, what, what did you do?
Well, some very serious progress on the job front.
You finished your resume?
-Ye... No. -Ye...
No, nothing like that.
Um, no, but progress up here.
Well, you know, it, um...
It all starts with a thought.
Mm-hmm.
Can I have a Rainbow Oat?
Yeah.
Hey, should we do that thing?
-Yeah, let's do this. -Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-All right.
-You ready? Okay. -Yeah, okay.
-Hm, that went well. -Mm.
-I'm gonna start. -Do it.
-Okay, ready? -Uh-huh.
♪ Do you like me? I suppose
♪ Draw me like a French girl Jack and Rose ♪
♪ Sun goes up and you milk that cow ♪
♪ Slap that udder on the big bad cow ♪
♪ Watch that cow drink all that grass ♪
♪ Sometimes a donkey's called an ass-k ♪
♪ Me a question I'll tell you what I'm thinking... ♪♪
Don't, uh... No, no, every night, every night!
-Aah, you were so close. -Ah! Oh! At the donkey's ass.
Yeah, the donkey ask me a question
and I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
-I know that smile. -What smile?
The smile, less-than-a-smile smile.
Hm.
Can you tell me what's going on?
-Come on. -No.
-Don't do that. -No, it's fine.
-You're forcing me. -No.
I'm going to do it.
You're forcing my fingers of truth.
-No. No. -It's happening.
-No. No. -I'm going to.
-Here I go! I'm going to! -No, no, Paul!
-Paul, no... No, no... -I'm going to...
I'll punch you in the balls.
-I'll punch you in the balls. -Don't do that.
-Don't do it.
Do you think we did the right thing moving here?
Yeah, of course we did.
I mean, look at us. We're...
This is like you're, you're in your dream job
and we're in this radical apartment,
we just started eating pizza.
Yeah.
Why do you think the rent is so cheap?
It's like you always say, you know,
"Sometimes you just get lucky."
Hm...
Yeah.
-Oh, God. -Do you yield?
What?
Do you yield?
-No. -What is your book?
I... What?
Ah! The Book Of Iowa.
I select verse 23!
"And the police had no solid lead.
The investigation being further hampered by the suspect's sketch
of a tall Indian man!"
-What? -Yes! I win!
Ah. Oh, what...
No!
-Do you yield? -Yes!
-That's a cake knife. -So what?
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Claire!
Claire! Claire! Let me in!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, my God!
No! Oh, God, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Are you all right? Are you all right?
-Oh, no! Oh, no!
What do we do?
Okay, Wallace, enough!
I-i-it's photographed. He's standing still.
Goddammit! That flash gives me migraines.
You need 900 pictures? Are you makin' a 3D model?
All right, I'm gonna need to take your statements.
Just tell me everything that you know
in your own words, Mr., uh...
Boyd. Paul Boyd.
And you're Mrs. Boyd?
Oh, no, we're, we're not married.
Claire and I need to get our things sorted.
Mm.
All right. You kids have fun.
Wait a second. A guy just killed himself in our bathtub.
-Yeah. -Why?
From time to time, members of a deranged cult
break and enter into this dwelling
in order to commit self-murder.
Did the super not go over this with you
when you looked at the apartment?
Knock, knock! Hi!
Hello, Beatrice. You're looking wonderful.
And you are looking great, Bloyce.
-Stop it.
-Oh, here you go. -Oh, what's this?
Oh, I always buy my tenants a carrot cake
for their first tub death. It's just a little tradition.
-"Their first tub death?" -Save me a piece.
I'm making fish sticks later.
Look, honestly, these cultist
t-they're basically harmless.
Their only goal is an exit strategy.
Are they that different? What am I doing?
I really do have to go.
Hey! You can't just leave.
We're totally exposed here.
You're totally exposed?
I'm the one that has to clean up this mess night after night.
Do you think this is how I planned to spend my evening?
I'm planned to be home working on my screenplay.
I just got a note that the detective character doesn't have
enough conflict. I'm a detective.
It's a screenplay about a detective.
There's conflict.
This industry is bullshit.
The point is, instead, I'm here.
More often then you guys, by the way.
Good luck.
What do we do now?
If I were you, I'd move!
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look on the bright side.
Maybe now we can try Winnipeg.
♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again
♪ When darkness finds you you'll be free ♪
♪ Follow the lights and you will see ♪
♪ The instantaneous eternity
Mm...
Claire.
Come to me, my child.
Claire.
Yeah, that's it.
Ah, yeah.
Wake up! Wake up, Paul! Wake up!
-Come on. -I'm up, I'm up, I'm up...
I was up all night and I had a revelation.
-You did? What is it? -Yeah.
We aren't going anywhere.
-We're not? -No.
-We're not? -No, because we're in LA.
It's like the land of, of movie stars
and fancy cars, you know?
There's like five places alone on this block
where you can get kombucha.
What's that? What is kombucha?
I don't even know. A-and that's my point.
You know, 'cause if we're gonna be LA-ians,
we-we gotta, we gotta adapt, right?
Yeah, yes, yes, I do know,
what you, like a, mm, like an adaptation.
Yes, and we-we're, we're not just gonna run away
because some idiots wanna spill their guts in our bathtub.
No, no. This is our dream, this is our destiny.
Yes, I don't wanna run, Claire.
I'm, I'm... Like you always say, I'm lazy.
We are strong and we are, we are adaptable
and we are, we are Los Angelenos.
Oh, gosh, dang it. I love you.
-I love you. -I love you, too.
-I love you, Claire.
-Let me go back to bed, though. -Oh, no.
Claire, this meeting started 15 minutes ago.
I am so sorry, some guy broke into our apartment last night
and then committed suicide in the bathtub.
I-I think he was like, part of some cult.
The cult of Storsh.
You're living in the Tabula Building? Why?
Great location, it's close to freeways.
Moving on. Meegan Nordheim.
You all know her, star of the reality show Meal Ticket,
stands to inherit half a billion dollars
from insecticide king, Armund Nordheim,
who is currently 96 years old
and counting.
And she is now running for congress
because that's a thing now.
The woman's a monster.
Yeah. She wants an increase in kill shelters.
I mean, who campaigns on killing puppies?
She's retained us at the rate of 50,000 a month.
-She has my full support. -Our country needs her.
Yeah, well, she was up in the polls as of last night,
but all that's gonna change because this morning
the Los Angeles Tatlerran this series of paparazzi photos
showing Ms. Nordheim enjoying the company
of 20-year-old personal trainer slash actor, Dake Wharton.
-Oh, my God. -Is that a squash?
Look, this one's easy. It's a classic redirect.
She repents, goes to church every Sunday,
does a couple of guest sermons, talks about rebirth through God.
Somethin' there. Tony.
I mean, I say, we blame the dude.
Nordheim was manipulated
by some Hollywood pretty boy who preys on middle-aged women
in order to extort money for sex.
Okay, she is the victim here.
-Claire? -Uh... Um...
When I was in eight grade
Ben Barnes, he drew private parts on my notebook,
but I-I put stickers over top of them
and I turned them into unicorn.
I actually still have it, it's kinda cool.
Moving on.
-Do you yield? -No.
W-wh-what's your book?
I'm not, I'm not part of this.
You're not here to use the bathtub?
No, well, I mean, I use the bathtub.
-It's my apartment. -You live here?
That's, that's disgusting.
This is our house. Me and Claire.
Get out, get out.
Oh, hello, Barry.
Danielle, you're looking well.
Please spare me the pleasantries.
Do you yield?
I do not!
-What's your book? -The honorable Robert Perkins.
The book of the honorable Robert Perkins.
I choose verse 60!
"Despite having shown
no remorse for these brutal
and cold-blooded murders, it is my regret that the state
must refile these charges due to improper warrant
for the search and seizure of evidence relating to the murder
of Ms. Elizabeth Watson!"
-Watkins! - No!
Watkins!
It's kins! Dammit!
Who knows the book? I know the book, Barry!
I can tell you this.
This is not over.
Now that is how it's done.
What w-was that?
The challenge,
and next talent.
What I Did Over Spring Break by Danielle Carter.
"This summer, my mom and step-dad took us all to Denmark.
We went to Legoland and it was really cool.
There was a giant dragon made from Legos
and they serve vanilla pudding in the cafeteria.
My favorite thing about Legoland was the hotel.
The bed was made from giant Legos
and, uh, they serve pancakes for breakfast.
In conclusion, Legoland is a very good place
to go for your spring vacation.
I recommend it highly
for friends and family alike."
That's great, that's, seriously, that's a,
that's a really nice piece of writing.
Oh, I did... I got an A on it.
-Did you? Oh. -Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, well. Time for me to achieve eternal bliss.
Oh, shit!
I forgot my knife. Do you have a knife?
-A knife to kill yourself with? -Yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm not gonna, I don't want your blood and guts
all over one of my knives. That's gross.
That's what dishwashers are for.
Then I'm gonna think about what
you did with it every time I use it.
Well, just put it in
amongst all the other knives
and then you wouldn't even remember.
Then I-I'm gonna think about that with all my knives.
Well, th-throw it away then.
So now I'm giving you a knife?
No. Is there anything else I can provide you with?
Maybe like a spoon to scoop your eyeballs out
or maybe a cheese grater to shave off your nipples?
Jesus! I don't appreciate this kind of talk.
Well, I don't appreciate a complete stranger
doing a suicide in my bathtub. Ah!
We haven't unpacked the knives yet.
But you do have a screwdriver!
No! No!
Stop it! Claire! Help! Help me!
-Oh, God! -Oh!
-Oh, God. -Oh!
What the fudge? You stabbed me!
Oh, my God!
-Oh, right in the spine. -Oh, my God!
Why did you shove her like that?
-She was attacking you! -No, she was...
She was trying to kill herself! She's a cult member.
Stop screaming!
Ah! So loud!
Stop screaming!
-Oh, God. -Ah!
He's never gonna believe us.
-Who? -Th-that Detective Cartwright.
-He's never gonna believe us. -Why?
-Why wouldn't he believe us? -Uh...
Uh, look around. I mean...
The screwdriver in her back and there's blood on the wall and--
-Oh, my God! You're right! -Oh, God!
You're right! What, what are we gonna do?
-Tell us what to do, Claire! -I don't know.
-Tell us what to do! -I don't know!
Just let me think, let me think,
let me think, please.
Change the story.
This is how we found her.
Yeah, she totally committed self-murder in the bathtub.
She stabbed herself in the back?
I know. Right?
This is the sloppiest tub death I've ever seen.
Yeah, 'cause how many times do you get to practice
your own suicide?
Yes, that's actually a good point.
-'Cause he gets, he gets... -Just in one shot.
Yeah.
Here comes Wallace on the comedy bus five minutes late.
That's how humor works.
It's an involuntary reaction
when you find something funny.
You can't fake it after you hear
two people laughing, you child.
You've been unpacking.
You kids planning on staying?
Yeah, uh, you know, it's a great location,
it's close to freeways.
Really?
Y-you know, that really shows some backbone.
To be honest, a lot of the people just leave right away.
That's good. Y-you're gonna like it.
There is a, um...
There is a nice pizza place about three blocks up
called Schneider's
and they have a two-for-one deal
where you get a can of Pepsi for free on weekdays.
I don't know if you guys, uh,
like pizza. Everybody does.
- O-oh. -Oh, you...
Yeah, I... Well, we... I have to, I have to work.
I don't know why you're telling me that.
I have work, too. Everyone has work.
That's... Uh, why are you telling me you have work?
-Is it non sequitur? -Oh, no, I didn't mean--
'Cause I wasn't asking you guys to hang out with me.
-I'm a police officer. -Oh, of course.
I'm a detective. I, I work.
Oh, no, I didn't mean--
The job's frankly all I got.
It's, uh... Which is probably why I caught Storsh.
He did not get away from me.
He got away from a department with its head up its ass.
I was not the one asleep at the switch.
You know, this Storsh character,
i-it's like, a lot of the stuff in this book makes sense.
You know, I mean, some of it's crazy, obviously,
but some of it isn't. Like, okay, for example...
One of the things is being the best you you can be.
Well, I don't see anything wrong with being
the best you I can be.
No, the best you youcan be.
That's what I said.
Okay. Um...
For example, here's another really good one.
Uh... Oh, here. Listen to this.
"When one liberates oneself from the shackles of overthought,
life can truly be free.
Open yourself to your inner will and close the door
on the addiction to outside approval."
I mean, this is me at work. I totally relate to this.
Like, I'm always worried about what other people are thinking.
I don't even know what I'm thinking.
This stuff really makes sense.
You know, I'm not smart like you are, Claire.
Oh, Paul.
But I don't have to be smart because I've got you.
And-and now that we're casting off the shackles of overthought,
I swear my most deepest swear
that I'm gonna get a job,
like, as soon as possible.
New city, new Paul, new us.
-Oh, Paul.
-I believe in you. -Oh.
-I believe in you. -Yeah?
Oh, I love you, my Claire.
Claire, Claire, hi. So we just got the call.
Nordheim is coming in to see what we have for the campaign.
-Now? -Yeah, now.
Ah.
We weren't expecting Mr. Nordheim.
-Oh...
Well, we were thinking,
what if you were to repent.
The religious angle.
-You find Jesus. -I'm Jewish.
Obviously you did a workup on me and you already know that.
Okay.
We put a story in the paper
that the young man with whom you had relations
is actually a con artist
preying on...
Preying on?
Praying...
Tony, why don't you take this one since it's your idea?
Sure. Uh...
Um, uh... I see sort of like a, uh,
a basketball player, but instead of legs,
um, it's got tang threads. So, like a ro...
Ro...
Okay, I'm gonna speak now.
I am not impressed with any of this.
And if this is all you have, I'm going to be
very, very, very disappointed.
I have an idea.
What exactly would you say your strengths are?
Well, uh, first and foremost, I am a people-pleaser.
-Pe-people like me. -Well, I don't like you.
And I have a hard time seeing how anyone would.
Please, just, sir, just give me a chance.
Do you even know what it is we do here?
Y-y-you guys design roller coasters, right?
Well, you managed to get that right.
How many years of mechanical engineering do you have?
No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. Listen.
Listen, I really need this job.
My girlfriend said that I-I have to get my job thing
sorted or we can never get married.
-Uh! Your girlfriend? -Yeah.
You're in here wasting my time because of your girlfriend?
-No, no, please-- -I'm shocked...
You even have a girlfriend.
I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves you
by the end of the week because
there is no job for you here
or anywhere in this city.
-No... -Now get out of my office!
Hi, Paul. Why so glumy, chummy?
I can't get a job.
No one will hire me.
Uh, not after what happened in Ohio.
What's the what in Ohio, huh?
Okay.
Did you know that in 33% of marriages
somebody commits infidelity?
And that's only the ones who admitted, so...
So you were caught having a little fun on the side.
I'm sure every woman in America would understand
if you just put it into context. Yeah.
What context is that?
Let's break the shackles of approval
and show everyone it's okay to be the real you.
I made this thing. It's a...
Really, a-all you need to do is
show these, these two pictures side-by-side
and then simply ask...
"Come on. Wouldn't you?"
Come on. Wouldn't you?
Come on.
Wouldn't you? I mean...
Come on. Come on!
Come on. Wouldn't you?
-Come on. Wouldn't you? -Come on. Wouldn't you?
Come on. Wouldn't you? -Come on. Wouldn't you?
-Come on. Wouldn't you?
♪ Come on wouldn't you? Hey
♪ Come on wouldn't you? Oh yeah ♪
♪ Come on wouldn't you? Everybody ♪
♪ Come on wouldn't you? Oh
♪ Come on wouldn't you? Hey... ♪
Pearl, where have you been hiding this girl?
I love her!
♪ Oh come on wouldn't you? Hey ♪
This one time last year...
I stayed up really late to watch The Storage Warsmarathon.
It's a really awesome show because I like stuff
about storage units.
Anyway, I was gonna go to bed, but then I remembered
that Claire had asked me to do the laundry,
so I stayed up for the rest of the night
and did the laundry.
Um, but then, then,
the-the dryer didn't finish in time,
and I had to go to my job
at the water filtration plant.
And so I just wore my uniform damp.
But then on my walk to work, um, I got really, really cold.
And I couldn't stop shivering, so I stopped at the gas station
and got a Mountain Dew.
And when I got to work, I tried to heat the Mountain,
Mountain Dew up on a hot plate.
But then the plastic melted
and-and, and then the melted plastic and the Mountain Dew
got all over my hands
and I knocked over a can of turpentine
and that mixed with some oldie peanuts
and then that dripped into the filtration fluids.
And then the, the melty Mountain-Dewie plastic
and the, and the mold and the turpentine
all mixed together and made some w-weird chemical reaction
and-and then that... that got into the town's water supply.
And the entire town lost their hair.
All their hair.
Their arms and their legs and their eyebrows.
And then... and then about half the town,
let's say, about 80,000 people,
got rage madness and they started foaming at the mouth
and attacking each other for no reason.
And then the whole town became a war zone.
And we had to stay inside, but everybody got so hungry.
But then the rage people stole all the food
and they, they hid it in a used tire yard.
And they built this massive fort out of used tires.
It was like a beehive, and then they stayed in,
in the tire hive and they wouldn't come out.
And so then all the
then the normal people burned down the tire hive.
But then the fire, the fire burned for months
because it was just millions of used tires.
And then we all had to go to the woods
and hunt for animals.
But it was the summer and, and it was so hot
and we all took off all of our, our clothes
and then we ran out of bullets.
And so there's just a bunch of hairless naked people
running around the woods, hunting for deer
and raccoons and squirrels with our bare hands.
And then, t-then everyone
got really hungry again 'cause we ran out of animals.
And then... then you couldn't tell the normal people
from the rage people
and-and you couldn't tell who was who.
And then a militia came from another state
and they called us all s-skinners
and th-they hunted us for sport.
And then the National Guard came to fight the militia
and then the government sent in the army
to rescue us all
and then when it was all done...
they told me I couldn't go back to Ohio anymore.
Oh, Paul.
Sounds like you've been on quite the journey.
But your true journey of bliss
found on the instantaneous eternity
only begins when you change your story.
It's time to loose the Os in Ohio
and say hito the new Paul,
a Paul who's his own boss, a Paul who answers to Paul.
To-to me?
It's like the Book Of Storiessays.
The only thing you've to worry about is what you think.
If there's no job for you, make your own job.
Be like me. Be free. Free like a bird, bird.
Free? Like a bird, bird?
Like a bird, bird.
Yeah.
- Hey-hey!
-Hey! -I had the best day.
Me, too. I had, I have huge news.
Oh, okay. You first.
So I-I slammed the door
on the jackals of over-thoughts.
Just like you said, I've been so worried
about what everyone else thinks I should be
that I forgot what I want to be.
Oh, well, that-that's amazing. What do you wanna be, Paul?
A bird housemaker.
I make birdhouses now.
Come, come, come.
Oh, wow! You, you made all of these?
Yeah, I'm in the zone.
Look, so this one's a little pool house, right?
And it's got a little lounge chair, a little changing room
where the birds can change out of their red clothes.
A simple mother-daughter apartment
for when mom gets really old and she could die,
she could die at any moment.
There's a little mechanical chair
that goes up and down the stairs.
This one is modelled after Chuck E. Cheese,
but I call it Chick E. Cheese.
And there's a little bosspit.
And there's a fake band and then this one is a honeymoon suite,
it's got a, um, a heart-shaped bed for getting it on.
Oh, look. Claire, I almost forgot.
This one's for you.
It's an exact replica scale
of the Full Houseliving room, season one.
Paul, this is, this is amazing!
You don't have to say that.
No, Paul. No. I-I'm really proud of you.
-Mm. -Thank you.
-Tell me about your day! -Oh--
I can't believe. I've been so focused on, I...
What about your day? Take the mic.
-Okay.
- Is it on? Okay. - You...
Um, so, yeah, we had this, the surprise visit
from a client at work and everyone was, like, stressed out
and losing their minds, but I kept my cool and I saved the day
with a stunning pitch when everyone else had nothing.
-And Pearl even shook my hand. -That hand?
-Yeah! -All right!
I knew you could do it!
You know, and I-I just applied the teachings
of Storsh and it actually worked.
-Oh, my God. I love Storsh. -Yeah, I know. Me, too.
I'm so jacked up right now, I can sell anything.
-Well, sell me a birdhouse. -How about a pun?
Like, uh, Paul's birdhouse, when nature Pauls.
-That's brilliant!
Okay, here's another... Uh, uh...
This birdhouse will never Paul out of a tree.
You gotta slow down. I gotta write this down. Seriously. I--
Oh, no, no. Don't even sweat it. I got a million of 'em.
Okay, how about this one? Uh, uh, Paul's Boyd...
Paul Boyd's birdie birdhouse building.
-Ah! You know what your name is? -What?
-Little Ms. Ideas. Yes. -No.
-You're amazing. -No, you're amazing.
-We're amazing. -Yeah.
You know what this means, Claire?
We're finally getting our stuff sorted.
Yeah.
It was the '90s,
a different time, a simpler time.
When a man committed a crime, you kicked in the door
and worried about paperwork later.
But like all good times,
that time was a time
whose time has come to an end.
Then on April 2nd, 1997,
I came face-to-face with pure evil.
Reginald Euclid Storsh,
incited over two dozen innocent victims
to self-murder.
An adversary so brilliant, so cunning
that to merely be in his presence
was to risk total mental
and spiritual annihilation.
"Detective Cartwright, did you have a warrant
for these proceedings?"
"A warrant? Hell, no, Your Honor, he's guilty."
"Well, I don't care how ridiculous or stupid
or unfair it is, I declare a mistrial.
Case dismissed."
"Your Honor, no!"
So I made my life's goal up
to not give him a moment's rest.
I dogged him like a dog.
But six months into it, he committed suicide
in a bath tub.
Then his followers started committing suicide
in the same tub.
Cultist after cultist
dove into a porcelain nightmare
of blood and death.
The chief still has the case open.
And guess who has to clean up
every time one of these morons
commits a see-pa-coo in the tub?
That's right. Me. Cartwright.
The last good cop.
Go, go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go.
-Hey. -Mm!
Oh... Oh, come on, man!
-What? -I booked the tub!
It's been on the schedule for months.
Okay. Just do it.
Three-way challenge. Do you yield?
I-I, I don't, I don't know. Do we?
The invocation.
"In order to get to instantaneous eternity,
you must pass through the gateway
chosen by the Holy Storsh."
What? Oh, my God! You're initiates, aren't you?
Uh, initiates. Yeah.
Actually, do you, do you think you could teach us
some initiate stuff?
Well, maybe I'll break the rules this one time.
- Awesome. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, um, you know, you two guys really lucked out.
It's not every day that two initiates
get taught their invocation
by a level-six instructor.
-Level six? -Yeah.
Is that, uh, is that a good level?
Uh, there's only 11 levels
and I'm level six, which is basically level seven,
so really I'm an eight.
So, yeah, I'd say it's pretty damn good.
And I specialize in invocation training.
You could say I'm kind of a big deal
down at East Side Bethel, you know?
-Huh. Mm! - Okay.
-Uh, so lie down. -All right.
Here.
Okay. Like the...
Uh, okay, um, scooch down towards me a little.
Okay, now go left, uh, just a little bit.
Okay. Actually, scooch back up just a couple of...
Yeah, okay, that's good. And come over to your right.
Okay, you're moving faster, so, so just...
-Yeah. And then... -Me? Oh. Okay.
You come down just a touch.
Perfect.
Actually, you know what? Go, go back a little bit.
That's it. That's it! Nice.
This guy is awesome. I mean, he's basically a level eight.
- I know.
Okay.
Now look up to the light.
That's life.
It's bright, it's inviting, it's warm.
That's light. That's life.
And this is death.
What do you see?
I-I can still see an outline.
But it's fading.
Exactly.
See, normally when someone dies,
there's a little bit of afterglow that lingers.
But then unfortunately, it just disperses
into the ether.
But thanks to the great Storsh,
his chosen will bask in the light of eternity.
Just because the magical Storsh
spilled his magical blood in that bath tub,
the bath tub is magical
and will magically hold on to the afterglow
for all eternity.
All of that in a bath tub?
Would you like to bear witness to my exodus?
Cyanide. It's quick. Painless.
Well...
I'm sorry, I didn't think I would get emotional.
You know, you two are gonna be great followers.
Hm.
I'm gonna tell Storsh about you
when I get to the other side.
-That's neat.
Yeah.
Bye.
It's just a sec.
Any second.
-Oh! Oh! Ow! Whoa! -Oh...
Whoa, wait, hey, this actually hurts quite a bit.
-Oh, Go... Oh, no! -Ah! Oh, God!
Oh! Oh, actually, this hurts quite a lot actually!
-Do you want some water? -Oh, for the love of Christ!
They're inside of my body,
burning like a thousand suns!
-No! Oh, no! -I'll go get a first-aid kit!
-No! You idiot!
I wanna die! Kill me!
-Kill me! -Just go!
Oh, my God!
Use this! Use this!
-Me? -Yes!
Oh! Oh!
-I am sorry!
What kind of cheap knife is that?
-We're on a budget, okay? -No!
-Stab harder! Do it!
-Come on! -No!
Oh! Claire, stop it!
-Stop! Claire, no!
We need better killing!
Oh, God! You can't kill me with that stapler!
-Oh, God! Aah! -Oh!
You have no idea how much this hurts!
Plug it in!
Why won't you die?
I gotta get 'em out!
Oh!
Is there something you wanna tell me, Claire?
Uh, no, I-I don't think so.
You're sure about that?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
I get why you would, but it's not a good idea
to lie to a detective, it's...
I detect.
I get to the bottom of things. It's my job.
And your job is,
you work in the business.
-The business? -Yeah.
The ad business? I found out.
You work at Global Creative.
Okay, come on. I-I... Let me wet my beak.
Do you understand how you could help a person in my situation?
Just...
Oh, hey! Is this your screenplay? Cool!
I didn't exactly pick a title yet, but...
Well, what exactly do you want me to do with this?
Well, do what you do. Talk to people.
You must know actors, right? D-do you know Wesley Snipes?
He's who I always picture when I'm writing about myself.
Uh, he needs this.
Yeah. Totally. I... You know, I'll make some calls.
-You're not just saying that? -No.
I had a feeling about you two. First two aside.
You know? I know I can count on my new friends.
And sorry about this all.
Well, I'll mark it down as the usual...
And give me feedback. Give me notes.
I-I'm not precious, I collaborate.
♪ Girl you know ♪
Uh...
You know, I've been thinking.
When those guys first showed up and were gonna kill themselves
in our bath tub, I was like, "Okay, t-this is crazy."
And then when, you know, the more we learned about Storsh,
I can see why these people follow him.
You know, I mean, sure, it's not for everybody,
but think about what good he's done for us
and we're not even in his cult.
Well, w-we can't be in a cult. We're from Ohio.
Yeah, but, you know, when you think about it,
all religions have good and bad.
So, like, maybe we can just take the good from Storsh
and, like, apply it to our own lives.
Like, you know, the other day when you burned your finger
on the glue gun, and you're like, "Oh, Jesus H. Christ,"
but, like, you're not even a Christian.
No, you listen, I'm totally good with having
a little Storsh in our lives, I mean, it means
a little more blood and violence, no biggie.
But that's my point, you know, these poor souls
work so hard to meet Storsh in the instantaneous eternity,
but they really have trouble with the-the, like,
the final commitment, you know?
It's like Cartwright said,
"How many chances do you have
to practice your own suicide?"
-They totally suck at suicide. -Yeah.
-So this is what I'm thinking.
You know, it's our apartment, so what's, what's wrong
with helping our visitors with a quick, clean transition
into the instantaneous eternity?
Helping our visitors is the least we can do.
It is the least we can do. This is our home.
This is our temple. It's the reason we left Ohio.
To serve the good word of Storsh.
Reginald E. Storsh, Claire. I love you.
-Oh. -I love you.
♪ Ba-ba du-bab du-bab
♪ Bab-ba-rub ba-rub-bab
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab
♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah
♪ Ba-du dab-bab bab-bah du-bah ♪
♪ Ba-du bab-bab bab ba-dap
♪ Bab ba-du ba-du-dap du-dap
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab
♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah
♪ Ba-du dab-bab-bab ba-dap
♪ Bab ba-da-du ba-du-da du-da
♪ Ooh ooh ooh
♪ Ba-da du-ba ba-da
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du
♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab
♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah
♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-dap
♪ Bab ba-da-da bab
♪ Ba-ba du-bab du-dab
♪ Bab ba-dap ba-dap-bab da ♪
It's weird how they all have some kind of red dye
on their lips now.
Yeah. It's totally weird, right?
You know, maybe it's a new part of their ritual.
Hm. Worthless jerks.
Your mama must be real proud, pal.
Stone, Wallace, get rid of this chump.
-So, uh, Claire? -Yeah?
Any luck with Wesley?
-I'm sorry? -My script? Wesley Snipes?
Oh! Yeah. Uh, actually, yeah.
I, uh, called, I called his agent
and Fred, uh, Fred Burm-Burm,
Fred Burminton, and he said, uh,
that he was gonna give it to Wesley and that he was gonna
take a look at it.
You're lying.
-No. -You gotta be lying!
He said those words? Fred Burminton said that?
Uh, yeah, absolutely. He...
-You, I told you about... -She told...
I... He, he definitely did.
Well, here we go!
-Yeah. -This is it!
Oh, uh, uh, tell him, uh,
I'm gonna take the thing about the super soldiers out.
Uh, my sister's boyfriend is a bloom operator
on General Hospital and he said, um,
that that technically makes it sci-fi,
which is an issue in Germany, uh,
and I wanted this to play internationally.
I can't believe I just said that.
Okay, so then, no super soldiers.
Got it.
Claire, you are amazing.
Oh, oh... Oh...
Thank you.
-Oh, that's... Tha-that happens. -Hey...
Claire.
Ms. Nordheim. What are you doing here?
I just came from a fundraising dinner.
We made a record raise.
You managed to turn my whole campaign around, Claire.
I wanted to thank you.
Oh. Wow, that is so sweet of you.
I'm gonna have to start drinking wine.
Well, well, well. What a beauty.
I am impressed, Claire. Is it yours?
Oh. Yeah, the birdhouse? My, uh, my boyfriend makes 'em.
Hm. Well.
I'll tell you what, Claire.
I am in the market
of furry birdhouse.
I would love to meet the artist.
Oh, I'm-I'm sure Paul would be thrilled.
I-I would, I'd be happy to make the connection for you.
I... We'll have to do that sometime.
How about now?
Oh, uh...
We're still moving in, so...
Can I, uh, offer you anything?
-Are these the birdhouses? -Oh, yeah, th-those are them.
Where's the boyfriend? He around?
He must be out, which is...
You know, and he pretty much never goes out,
so it's kinda weird.
-I'm gonna paint one of those. -Oh.
I've always wanted to dive head first into the arts.
Hm.
I like you, Claire. Frankly, I see myself in you.
And I'm sure my upbringing wasn't that different from you
other than, you know...
I look like this.
And I realized pretty quickly, that as a woman,
you have tremendous power.
Have you ever felt the kind of power
that I'm talking about, Claire?
Oh, you know, o-once I played
the Powerball and I won five dollars.
Yeah, that was pretty cool.
So I figured if these men are gonna have their way with me,
then I'm gonna have my way with them.
Armund was 82 when I married him.
Today he is 96.
Turns out, the old guy is built like a machine.
And he just keeps going
and going and going and going
and going and going!
Point is, Claire, this young boyfriend of yours
who builds birdhouses, I am sure he's just peachy.
But you have got to take the power that is rightfully yours.
You've got to milk this world for everything
that it has to give.
-You know, t-that must be Paul.
Oh.
-Oh, my gosh. Mr. Nordheim!
Did-did you climb up all of those stairs?
Are you okay? Here.
D-does he need, like, a defibrillator o-or something?
Uh, should I get him some water?
He's already had his water today.
Claire, let him go. Claire, he's fine.
What I am trying to tell you is
that I have come here to liberate you
from the prison
that you call love.
And, yes, it will be painful at first,
but eventually you're gonna thank me.
And I can't say that I'm not going to enjoy liberating you
by liberating Paul
the way I liberated that boy in the gym
over and over and over and over--
Oh, my God!
Oh, oh... Oh, my God! Ho!
I'll go get the first-aid kit.
Oh, I'm free. I'm free.
I am free. I am finally free!
Oh, my God. I'm finally free.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, God, thank you.
I so deserved this. Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
-Paul. -Oh, my gosh!
You're Meegan Nordheim.
Paul, I want you to liberate me.
Liberate me now.
-Uh, is Claire home? -Forget Claire!
There is no Claire. There is only you and there is me.
-Okay. I'll get the juice. -No, no, no...
Paul, come to me. Paul, I want my bliss now.
Please don't make me wait for it. Don't make me wait, Paul.
Please, please, please, I want my bliss. Please, Paul, Paul...
Paul, please, now.
-Oh... Okay, o-okay, okay. -Okay.
Oh, no. Paul, what did you do?
-I saved her. -What? Why?
She was a visitor. You said that we had to help them.
No... Children of Storsh.
Well, how was I supposed to know that?
It's called logic, Paul!
-Oh, shoot! -My God!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You let her paint the country house?
I'd hardly call that a country house.
No, no, no, no, no.
Country house, Boyd house,
complete with a little front-porch swing
and a bird-watching tower for watching birds.
Looks more like a fire station.
What kind of fire station has a porch swing?
Forget about the birdhouse, Paul.
We gotta deal with this now, okay?
No, no, no. She's-she's... It's gonna be fine.
I mean, she's still alive. Everything's, everything's okay.
She's gonna tell everyone what you did
and you're gonna go to jail!
How can you be so stupid?
Paul!
I'm sorry, Ms. Nordheim.
Not the fire station.
It's a country house.
Cartwright's on his way.
What are you gonna tell him?
A story.
A love story
about a woman who married a man
for all of the right reasons,
and not for his money and-and not for his power,
but because she saw who he really was.
A man who needed her
more than she needed him.
It started out as a pure kind of love,
but it quickly became something else.
An obligation, not for her, but for him.
For her it was never a romantic kind of love.
It was a friend kind of love.
She knew that if she left him,
it would destroy him.
So she stayed by his side and hoped that he would realize
that he bet on the wrong horse.
But he never did.
So she was trapped...
until she found Storsh.
What she never found in her marriage,
she found in the open arms of Storsh and his followers,
seekers of the instantaneous eternity,
that one brief moment of bliss
that can go on for forever.
Armund was so distraught, so devastated
by the loss of his one true love
that he sought to follow her.
He'd rather die in her arms
than live without her for one more day.
Wow.
Gosh, darn it, Claire.
I have to say something to you right now.
You-you know what? We had a problem, right?
And what do we do?
-We sorted it. -Uh-huh.
This problem is sorted. It's sorted.
And it's not just this problem, it's everything, our...
The-the apartment, your job, my job.
We... we are, are sorted.
What are you doing?
Listen...
Claire Annabelle McKenty, will you, will you marry me?
Y-you're doing this right now?
No, I know, I know I said I wouldn't ask again
until we got our-our stuff figured out.
But guess what? We did! We did!
I wanna be with you forever, Claire.
I want... I need you to marry me.
-Oh, well, okay... -Okay.
We need to do the thing... right now.
♪ Do you like me? I suppose
♪ Draw me like a French girl Jack and Rose ♪
♪ Sun goes up and you milk that cow ♪
♪ Slap that udder on the big bad cow ♪
♪ Watch that cow eat all that grass ♪
♪ Sometimes a donkey's called an ass ♪
♪ Me a question and I'll tell you what I'm thinking ♪
♪ Every night Uncle Gary goes drinking ♪
♪ Oh hey you hear the news?
♪ Mom and dad went on a cruise ♪
♪ Mom had come but the group was smelling ♪
♪ Mom came back with a baby in her belly ♪
♪ Spaghetti and meatballs parmesan ♪♪
Spaghetti and meatballs!
It's okay. We're so close. Doesn't matter.
We're married now.
I love you so much.
♪ Gum drops
♪ On Christmas Day ♪
-Hey, smiley! -Hey, smiley!
I didn't hear you come in.
D-did we get any visitors?
Oh, no. No, it's been pretty quiet.
Y-you know, I was thinking, maybe we could go for a walk
in the neighborhood and then when we get back,
we could play some shrabes.
I was kinda hoping for like a Storshy kind of evening.
So...
Go for Cartwright.
Detective, hey. It's Claire.
Claire, got any news for me?
News? Oh! Yeah! You know, I...
Uh, I, uh, heard from Snipes
and he loved the script, so...
You're kidding. Are you kidding?
No, I'm, I wouldn't, I wouldn't kid with you, Boyce-boy.
Uh, uh, please hold one...
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
Ah, that's such a good news.
Claire, this is huge.
I should, I gotta put in notice with my captain, right?
Because I can't work active cases if I'm gonna be on set.
Is he gonna want a producer credit? 'Cause I...
Between you and me, he doesn't deserve anything
more than associate executive producer.
Hey, uh, question for you.
Anything, Claire, shoot.
We haven't had a cult member in a while
and I just wondered, like, is there some sort of, like,
Storsh holiday that we're not aware of?
Like a, like a suicide Yom Kippur?
Oh, well, it hasn't been that long, it's three days ago.
Oh, yeah, okay, cool, no, it just seems like
there should've been one by now.
Actually, uh, a few years ago, there was a dry spell
that lasted six months.
I mean, I thought it was over,
but then it all started up again.
Uh, eventually, Claire, they always come back.
That's what you gotta understand about these people.
If it helps, think of yourself as switching places
with me narratively.
You know, you're becoming kind of the lonely beat cop
in the wasteland of death,
I'm becoming the Hollywood screenwriter.
Hey, Claire, do you think
that a guy like me
would be able to pen a romcom,
a romantic comedy?
I had this story, you know what they say,
"Write what you know."
My ex-wife, she went to Ireland
o-once and she just never came back,
and e-eventually we divorced through the mail
and it was, it was kinda like a Lake House
meets, um, Lady And The Tramp.
Because we were really better friends
through letters that when w-when we were sharing a bed.
And then I eventually, you know, started talking
to her new husband.
Um, he's a firefighter.
Uh, I mean, and Irish firefighter, you gotta...
It's pretty cool. Like, like...
As-as much as I don't wanna admit it, like,
that's pretty much a manlier occupation.
I mean, an the Irish already fight everything.
This guy fights fire.
Uh, , I-I-I just thought, like,
kind of a, like a triangle thing
with like Matthew McConaughey, uh,
Kate Hudson and maybe like Wesley Snipes.
If he gets one on this one...
Okay, so listen, Nordheim wasn't in the cult.
-But we saved her anyway. -Well, she needed to be saved.
-She wanted to kill puppies. -Exactly.
So before we were saving people
into the instantaneous eternity who wanted to be saved,
but maybe we save people who need to be saved
that don't even know they need to be saved.
That's great, like murderers
and rapists or celebrity chefs.
Exactly. Okay. Let's do this.
It's a, um, new anti-depressant.
We have to sell people on getting happy
because apparantly hopelessness and despair
are currently trending.
Mr. Carl, I've got this.
The only way to achieve complete happiness is...
by inviting the father and savior Storsh in to your heart.
Now, I-I know, I know you're all looking at me
like you're a little skeptical, but believe me, I was too,
but, you know, you just, you just gotta go for it.
So, I-I'd love for you guys to join.
You know, just a bunch of like-minded people
who wanna be as happy as they can be.
That's all very interesting.
And you've given us a lot to think about.
Stupid legs, stupid legs.
Stupid rigor-mortis legs!
Oh! Fuck!
Claire! Claire! Thanks God you're home.
Something terrible has happened. They shut down my website.
And my credit card was declined.
I was just so busy making birdhouses
that I forgot to pay and then the bank was so far
that I didn't wanna walk and I spent all my money
on skittles and wood and thanks God...
Thanks God for you, Claire, thanks God for you.
Can you swap me 200 bucks?
They fired me, Paul! They fired me!
-We don't have jobs.
We are unsorted, Paul! We're unsorted!
What are we gonna do, Claire? What are we gonna do?
I love you. I love you. Uh...
Yeah?
Claire Annabelle McKenty, you, will you marry me?
No.
I can't marry you.
Hello, Claire, my child.
-It's you. -It's me.
I-I can't believe it. You-you came.
They doubted you, but you came.
Shh, quiet now. Let's not spoil it.
I just can't believe it.
You're actually, you're here i-in my tub.
Remember the thing about not spoiling it
that I just said six seconds ago?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry. I just...
Well, y-your teachings have changed my life.
-Mm-hmm. -It's just...
Things aren't working now and I don't know,
I don't know where I've gone wrong.
Mm, tell you, when this whole thing started,
I never thought it would spread further than my backyard.
Just a bunch of crazy loons dancing in the light
of the instantaneous eternity over nachos and Fanta.
But soon the whole city became my backyard.
The beacon of Storsh was lit and the people came.
I know I did.
I know you know you did.
I was watching you from the afterlife.
You know, the spiritual reward for saving souls was incredible.
What a buzz! It's just like a tingle.
But soon that wasn't enough.
I needed to reach more of my children,
I needed the message to find the masses
and save the souls of the entire world
like, on a God level.
You know, I, I made a plan and that plan was I'd get caught
and I'd become a media sensation.
Live out my days in some cushy, white-collared prison
like Bundy Romanson.
TV specials, conjugal visits.
So I let that cop catch me.
You know this guy, you know who I'm talking about?
-Cartwright? -Yeah.
Naturally, he screwed it all up and I got off.
But it turns out, getting away with it
was like some major power move.
Next thing, I'm this huge celebrity,
people following me around,
"Oh, Storsh, have my baby.
Storsh, can I get a photo?
Storsh, can I get a photo of you and me
trying to make babies?"
People offering me book deals,
multiple book deals, like a three-book deal.
In the grocery store, people offering me cupcakes,
people... I mean, you name it.
I had an assistant...
for a little while.
But then I realized, "Oh, my God.
I could immortalize myself
and forever spread the word of Storsh
with the ultimate saving. Who? Me, myself."
So I climbed in this bathtub here and I did my thing
and in one fell swoop, I became the god I was destined to be.
Oh, that is so beautiful.
Yeah, I guess it is.
But, you, Claire, you, my love.
None of my followers have served me
as greatly or lovingly as you.
And yet, there is still one final lesson for you to learn.
Oh, teach me. I-I want to learn.
You've been so focused on saving everyone else,
you've forgotten the most important person of all.
I-I'm sorry, what?
You've been so focused on saving everyone else,
you've forgotten the most important person of all.
I-I don't--
You've forgotten the most important
person of all.
Oh... Oh.
Yeah. I understand.
I understand.
The door to my bus is always open, Claire.
Always open.
Hey, Cartwright.
I heard you're, uh, going off to make your movie.
Yeah. Finally pulling it together.
-Oh.
I'll see you at the premiere.
Oh-ho...
Ah, man, you're such a wiener.
Oh, man.
Hey.
Still wanna go to Winnipeg?
Not really.
Yeah, me neither.
And while you were in there talking to the bathtub,
I did some thinking.
Yeah?
The reason you never really married me.
I get it.
You do?
You love me.
It's just not a romantic kind of love.
It's a friend kind of love.
Oh, Paul...
I'm sorry.
For what?
That I'm not smart.
What? No. No.
You're the smartest guy I know.
This is the sloppiest tub death I've ever seen.
It's weird how they all have some kind of red dye
on their lips now.
Yeah, it's totally weird, right?
Her elderly, physically-decrypted husband
from whom she stands to inherit millions
somehow gets his walker up the flight of stairs.
That part's actually true.
What is that? This one.
That, that's the coffee shop where we had our first kiss.
What's this?
Uh, it's the pizza shop where I thought we had our first kiss.
Oh.
Apparently, I was mistaken.
Yeah.
What's this one? It's just a line.
No, no, no. See. This is, this is your butt.
Oh.
Which I do like very much.
I know you do.
♪ Parmesan meatball soup
♪ Here we go another fruit
♪ Apple pecan pumpkin pie
♪ Buy me a ticket so we can fly ♪♪
We did it.
Do you yield?
I do.
Do you?
I do.
Oh, Bloyce. I'm sorry. I-I thought you'd be done.
I was wrapping up.
I wish I can...
I can't believe that I have to put this unit
on the market again.
I can't seem to keep any tenants here
for more than a couple of weeks.
You know, what if I moved in and...
Really? You wanna live here?
It's cheap and, uh,
very conveniently located.
And... I already know the neighbors are nice.
Thank you.
I'm gonna get that lease.
♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All of the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again
♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All of the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again
♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All of the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again
♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All of the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again
♪ Wash the sad out no more pain ♪
♪ All of the dark goes down the drain ♪
♪ Again and again and again
♪ Shining royal hearts
♪ Will forever stand
♪ Sometimes in the dark
♪ They take my hand
♪ Shining royal hearts
♪ Forever love
♪ Watching all the madness from above ♪
♪ Shining royal hearts
♪ Forever stand
♪ Sometimes in the dark
♪ They take my hand
♪ Shining royal hearts
♪ Forever love
♪ Watching all the madness from above ♪
♪ Shining royal hearts
♪ Forever stand
♪ Sometimes in the dark
♪ They take my hand
♪ Shining royal hearts
♪ Forever love
♪ Watching all the madness from above ♪♪